Know Your Limits

by Sandra Veiga

Are you one of those people who tries their hardest to be a good spouse, child, parent, employee, boss, to have good relationships with others and with God, but still feels it’s never enough or feels distressed by this tough task? Do you rarely refuse a favor and end up overwhelmed, with little time for your family or yourself? Have you wanted to say no, but worried about hurting or upsetting others? Have you ever felt somehow abused simply because you have trouble saying no to requests? Or even in a relationship, afraid of losing your partner?

In the physical world, it’s easy to see fences, walls, and signs that mark territory and tell us that a certain area or property belongs to someone. However, in the spiritual and emotional world, it doesn’t work like that. Limits define us. According to Cloud and Townsend, limits define “what is me and what is others”; they tell us that we are “responsible to others and for ourselves” (1).The biggest concern in setting limits is the confusion about when and how we should set these boundaries: is setting limits a sign of selfishness or insubordination? How do we manage limits with people who want our time, energy, and even money?Many of us were taught to please others, to be passive, sometimes following our culture or family context, and therefore, it’s hard to set limits. We grow up and absorb these values in our environment.Limits help us understand what we are accountable for—including our emotions, attitudes, beliefs, actions, decisions, thoughts, wants, and even love. Ultimately, taking responsibility for every aspect of our lives is essential. While this requires effort and isn't always simple, we mustn't let others take over our responsibilities, nor should we assume theirs; doing so can lead to unhealthy reliance and control.

Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being. The way others respond to your limits reveals their respect for you. By setting boundaries, we look after ourselves—physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Learning to say "no" when needed, without guilt, is an important aspect of creating and honoring these limits. Limits also don’t mean you’re controlling others. They serve as guidance for you to know what is or isn’t acceptable in your life. Once you set limits in your life and relationships, you won’t feel desperate or distressed anymore, and you won’t lose your self-control. You will have “a life goal, a firm step toward personal objectives. The reward for having good limits is the joy of having your desires fulfilled”—it’s being able to develop your talents and treasures at the right time and enjoy life with pleasure and determination.

Reference: (1) Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John: Boundaries – When to Say YES, When to Say NO – To Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan

Sandra Veiga– Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Pastoral Counselor